Wow i havent been on this in months
So I’m 6 days clean today. It’s getting harder because I’m getting less optimistic. The first couple days I was so excited and positive about living a sober life and all the things I could do. But now all I can think about is using. In NA they love to say “one day at a time”. But today, right now, all I can fucking think about is drugs and alcohol. I love swallowing/snorting a pill, drinking whiskey like it’s water, feeling my lungs fill up with smoke. Drugs were my best fucking friend in the entire world. Drugs never turned ME away. My addiction is very patient, and will be waiting around for me to come back my entire life. Drugs made everything so enjoyable. When I say I can’t do anything without being high, I’m being literal. I got high before i did ANYTHING. Drinking coffee, eating, waking up, sleeping, going to the bathroom, going out, watching tv, listening to music, leaving my room, writing, drawing, blogging. Everything. Now it’s like, what the fuck do I do? I’m starting to remember and feel the same way I felt before I even started using. Fucking miserable. People keep giving me shit for even wanting to get clean or think it’s stupid because I was only smoking weed. No, that’s what I let people think. I’m addicted to every drug. Every. Single. Drug. I’m detoxing like a mother fucker. I SHOULD be in rehab, but no. I’m doing all this shit myself. In NA they love to say “one day at a time” but one day is a fucking lifetime to me. These 6 days have been the longest 6 days of my life. Cause, TODAY, I want to use. I want to go back to my ways of digging in trash cans to find drugs, money, change, anything. But then again, I don’t. That’s why I decided to get clean. I completely fucked up my life because of drugs. Flunked college, got kicked out of my house, lost my friends and family. I hated myself while I was using. When I was using, drugs were always my first priority. But even though I’m getting clean, if I’m thinking about using or being clean, I’m still thinking about drugs. It’s all I can think about either way. Somebody in NA said the other day “when I was using, I was always around using addicts. Now that I’m clean, I’m around recovering addicts. Either way, I’m still around addicts.” That’s how I feel. I just want it to be erased away from my past and not have to even worry about it. I wish it never fucking happened. But I know I can’t erase the past, I know I can’t see my future. So all I really can do is think positive I guess. All I can think is that “Today, I’m not going to use. I’ll worry about tomorrow when it comes”. NA also loves to say “It gets easier”. They just forget to mention when and how.
